The Sherry Xmas Show
by Thymelady
Summary: This is a naughty crack story I wrote for Secret Santa 2010. The prompts were Sheriff/Robin and Guy/Marian. So please note that these are the pairings in this story, even if the intent is somewhat twisted. This story is humorous, yet it contains sexual activities as het and slash. It mentions torture, is anachronistic and definitely A/U. Basically all you ever wanted, right?


"I love you, Goo."

"I love you, Moo."

"I love you too!"

"Coochie coo!"

That's when it got really nauseating, as usual. The new betrothal between the henchman and the leper was worse than being killed slowly. Vasey had liked stalking them forever and their first betrothal had been an orgy in mishaps, awkwardness and misery. Vasey had loved it.

Every since his return from the idiotic expedition involving Hood and the Queen, things had been different. It had not been long until it was evident: Gisborne had won the leper over. It was more painful than hot honey being poured over aching limbs, and just as sticky sweet. He had no enjoyment from observing them now. Adding to that, the boy, Allan, was constantly grinning. Partly because of Gisborne and the leper being together, and partly because he had enough free time to fondle the maids.

Not long ago, everyone around the sheriff had been miserable. Now, with Christmas approaching, everyone was merry... but not him. Not even torture sessions in the dungeon cheered him up. The leper didn't even notice his cruelty anymore, being dazzled by black leather. Or rather the lack of leather, from what he could see through his secret peeping hole into Gisborne's bedroom. He rarely used that now, only when he was too bored.

Bored, bored beyond belief. Sick of all the sugar-sweet sexiness going on for everyone but him. Something had to happen.

It was easy, really. Playing drunk one evening and chatting about 'new, important documents' in the tedious presence of the leper, Gisborne and his boy...

By the next morning, the castle was on its toes again. Hood had been sighted within the walls, but escaped as usual. It was enough to make Gisborne flare his nostrils, the boy look nervous and the leper frown. Excellent.

One more night in the same manner. Hood, of course, found nothing, because there was nothing to find. But on the third evening, things got interesting.

*

Gisborne was storming into his room, where the leper was faithfully waiting... embroidering. As if she enjoyed it. The thunderous look on his henchman made the leper flinch, Vasey bet she hadn't seen that look in a long time.

Marian surely hadn't seen Guy looking that furious lately. The last two evenings had taken its toll on the castle. Evidence of Robin having been around, Guy out of bed all night and Marian herself sneaking along the corridors to find out what was going made everyone jumpy. Nothing _was_ going on, it seemed, which was the most frustrating thing of all. Meanwhile, Guy and Marian lost valuable sleep and sexy times, thus walking around tired and irritated. But this angry look from Guy was different. It was directed to her, not the situation.

"Marian!" Guy growled. She loved his growls. She shivered with secret pleasure; what might this lead to? Their nights had been sweet and passionate, was it time to take this to another, more dangerous level? She had kept some Nightwatchman things, after all. Could she perhaps persuade him to chase her through the castle and -

"Where's Hood?" Guy spat, shocking her.

"Do you want him to join in? I had not thought you'd be that open-minded - "

"**Where are you hiding Hood, woman!?**" he roared.

"WHY should I hide Robin!?" Marian shouted and stood up.

"Don't lie, Marian!" Guy hissed, advancing on her in a threatening way. Marian wasn't worried but steeled herself. His right hip was always his Achilles heel, it brought him down every time. "We've combed through the castle once again," Guy continued. "Three nights in a row! STILL NO HOOD! Where is he?!"

Marian scoffed. "Why should I hide him? He made it perfectly clear what he thought of me, you, and our union right after we got betrothed again!"

"Can I really trust that?" Guy said. He was wavering, looking unsure. Marian saw an opening.

"We'll see, won't we?" she said gravely. "You must search me, of course. Everywhere. Strip me down, if necessary. I'm at your mercy, Sir Guy..." Apart from the unmistakable twinkle in her eye, she was still looking perfectly serious. Guy's smirk was beginning to show.

"You leave me no choice, milady..." he growled again, but in the promising way.

*

That was when Vasey had to look away from his peeping hole again, disgusted. The next moment, the disgust was replaced by a trickle of fear down his spine - probably because of the cold steel he felt in his neck.

Arrow. Icy. Sharp.

Suddenly, things were fun and exciting again.

"So this is where you are, Hood..."

"Don't you know it's wrong to peep on people?" Robin said, not relaxing the bow.

"You should know: you do it all the time. I bet you'd like to see what I just saw."

"Not really," the outlaw said in a tense voice.

"Oh, don't be shy. They look good together. I'll give them that."

"Not interested."

"So... " Vasey was glancing to the side and seeing Hood's groin. "Why are you hard?"

"There might be a stimulation from hearing the sounds, nothing more." Hood's tone was actually humorous now, but with a certain edge. It was Vasey's turn to see an opening.

"No-one wants us, Hood. We were the most important people in their lives, and now they've forgotten we exist," he said in a mock-sad voice.

"How can we tolerate that?" Hood whispered. Was it not very close to his ear? Was not Hood very close to him? Was that Hood's... erection he felt, purposely pressed against his own backside?

"How did all of this start... Vasey..." Robin whispered in his ear while the sounds from the other room persisted. Suddenly, the outlaw's tongue was tracing the sheriff's earlobe and a shiver went through him. No longer did the wielded weapon point against Vasey, only Hood's own weapon could be felt; probably the only weapon more precious to Hood than his bow. The outlaw's hands were roaming over him, eager to free him of his silks. Fingers found their way to places begging to be touched. He was alive again.

"This started... Vasey... between you and me. This whole _thing_ - " a grin in the outlaw's voice there as he pressed his cock closer - "is between you and me. Not them. Not even between Richard and John."

Vasey's hands moved behind him to set Robin free of his clothes. Coarse materials, a contrast to his silk. Young, warm skin. Hairy, like him. So different to the impossibly smooth couple in the other room. This was a man of the earth, the land, the people. Vasey's head bent back and Robin's mouth met him. The kiss was warm and eager. Robin was behind him, then over him and in him, and he welcomed the submission.

*

"Goo?"

"Hush!"

Guy raised his head and Marian looked up at him.

"What?" she hissed.

Guy looked at the wall, lividly. Had he seen a ghost?

"What was that noise?"

Marian turned her head and listened. That was... Marian giggled.

"Shhh!" Guy hushed her again and looked down on her face. She was still giggling so he tried to kiss her. She still giggled.

"They... "

She was shaking under him and that was always arousing. Maybe they could ignore what might be going on in the adjacent room. Then she looked up and turned her head to the noise.

"There's a couple in the other room enjoying themselves the way we do!" she snickered.

"I wonder who the sheriff has in there," Guy replied.

Marian turned her neck so fast her neck creaked.

"The sheriff!?"

Guy's hand was over her mouth, but luckily, a loud moan assured them that the couple next door hadn't heard them.

Suddenly, Marian's eyes widened. He could feel her mouth opening up under his hand. She reminded him of the Nightwatchman again. Damn the woman.

"What?" he whispered to her.

But the next series of moans and curses made Guy's eyes widen too. Just like Marian, he had realised where in the castle Robin Hood actually was.

_~fin~_


End file.
